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I made sure to touch his hand when I took it, the contact like a cattle prod, electricity up my skeleton. I looked into his soft toffee eyes and wished I could take the chance to close the distance between us.Those two short kisses seemed so close, yet so long ago, like the past viewed through a microscope. I wanted desperately to touch him again, scared of him, scared of myself. Why was it so easy to give in with Maxie when I had fought these feeling so many times before? The oxygen between us. ”Jessica was right. Kara really was the innocent party here. And when I thought about it, she’d always been the innocent party. Even when she walked out on me, it was really my fault for not doing a better job of protecting her. For not being the man she needed me to be. That had been true with Becky the first time and Becky the second time. And true with the incidents with Joyce. And with what had happened with Jessica. My actions had led to these problems.I recalled Sensei Jim’s admonition. Raising the baby. Giving presents to the baby. Being there for the baby’s first word. The first time they walked. When they went off to school. Together, raising this part of them, this collaboration. Being proud of this child together. Working hard, together, to provide for the child. It was the kind of life he had always wanted and never thought he’d ever have.And the child miscarried.The child was lost.Taken away from them.That hurt like a sucker punch in the gut. The child he was dreaming. Some time later, a very shamefaced Jamie entered his office."I know you're not happy with me, but it looked like so many already knew something was going on, I felt it was their right to know what it was." I know. I was angry yesterday, but today I'm not. I was silly to think that I could pull the wool over everyone's eyes. I must have looked stupid." No. I didn't know it was you until you said who you were, or that you were anything other than female. I think here was just too close to home.
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